Wow, it’s been over a year and a half since I last posted. I wish I could say that I’m back with happy news and exciting life updates, and I have some a little bit of happy news, but most of it isn’t. Jack and I are still together, we are engaged! Have been since January of this year. We are getting married on September 5th, 2021. Today is his last day of his Physician Associate Masters program!

Unfortunately I am writing today for a different reason. My mother, my dearly beloved, magical, amazing mother has moved on from this life. She passed in July of 2021. I am absolutely devastated. I cry every single day, I feel no peace. I miss her so much. She did not pass away due to the current world issues (CV19). But she was chronically ill with COPD. However, I thought it was managed well. I was wrong, evidentially. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I just cry often. I loved my mom with the intensity of 10,000 suns. She was my best friend, my confidant, my everything. I called my mom multiple times a day to speak to her, I loved her so much, as she loved me.

Her passing was as peaceful as one could get, she died in the CCU at a hospital 95 miles away, but my siblings, my father, and I all managed to make it there to comfort her and say goodbye. She was coherent and talking, which I think is part of what I struggle with the most. It didn’t seem like she was on death’s doorstep. I am so gutted. She told us all individually that she loved us. Those were the last words we heard from her before she moved on. It took 20 minutes for her to pass once the morphine and Ativan was administered to her, and it was the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I got home after she passed, at 3:00am. She passed at 11:59pm. When I arrived home, I saw my bouquet for my wedding was on my step. I bawled. The days following her death had occurred in a blur; I had to join my family at the funeral home for arrangements, pick out flowers, clothes, etc. From the moment she flatlined, it was just go, go, go. I didn’t even get time to sit with everything that happened. Now that’s all I do. Sit alone and think and miss my mom.

I’m so sorry.

-Jane