How are you feeling right now?

Vindicated, but that it’s a few years too late, too overdue, and I have moved on but also have suffered in the court of public opinion that no outside agency’s ruling will ever overturn it.

When I previously thought about cancer, the first thing I thought about was the media stereotype, bald, pasty white, thin, and frail. Then, I was diagnosed with cancer, and my entire perception changed. My cancer isn’t treatable with chemotherapy OR radiation, so unless it is by my own hand, I won’t lose my hair; I won’t become sick from super expensive oral or IV chemotherapy medications. In fact, if I don’t tell people I have cancer, no one can gather it from looking at me, I don’t LOOK sick, and I honestly don’t feel sick.

Because I am not suffering from any of the visible and external parts of cancer, a lot of people dismiss me. They have the thought that it’s cancer, but it’s not cancer. It’s not viewed as the disease it truly is; it’s not seen as life-threatening, but no one remembers that it is a life-altering disease and situation, and it’s extremely tough on one’s mental state.

I can’t say for sure what the reason is, but many of my “friends” from college haven’t reached out or asked how I am coping. Many people I know of but don’t know have spoken to me about it, but their first inquiry isn’t asking me how I am; they are asking me how my husband is dealing with it. Who gives a shit about how he’s dealing with it, he isn’t the one going through it, I am.

Going back to my friends from college, one of whom I was extremely close to and whom I flew across the country to visit, once I landed back in my home state, I never heard from her again, so it’s been 11 months since we last spoke. I have since muted her on all my social media; she still reacts to my sparse and rare posts on whatever platform I post. She never comments, and she hasn’t reached out. It’s very disappointing, I obviously could reach out but selfishly I feel that I have extended all my energy for this friendship, especially with all that I have going on at the moment.

It makes me really sad, so along with dealing with my cancer, I am grieving the loss of this friendship.

-Jane