Author: janewrites2020

My musings as I navigate my 20s, identity crises, and whatever else falls into my lap.

The Real World

On By janewrites2020In change, jane, learning, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Wow, it’s been so long. My life has been a whirlwind of things. I successfully graduated college with dual English degrees and a Women and Gender Studies minor. Jack and I are still together. We currently live together in a an apartment in my home town. I didn’t want to end up here, but here I am. I wanted to go to a larger area after graduation for more job opportunities for myself, but Jack got a spot in the Masters program in Physician Science here in this area.

I’ve been spending a lot of times thinking about what I want to do with my life. If I want to pursue some higher education, what I would like to pursue, I haven’t really decided. Tonight, I have been struggling with a little bit of sadness because my alma mater starts classes tomorrow and it’s strange to watch everyone attend but me, because I finished what I had set out to do. It has always been hard for me to move on when things in my life end. I had no problem with high school ending, but I had a little bit of a problem transitioning to college, and then when college started, I had problems when it came to long breaks and going home, etc.

I’m still trying to find my footing, but I currently work 2 jobs and am taking it one day at a time.

-Jane

Rant

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It’s been just over a week since the Parkland shooting, and I’m just getting over my disgust from the reactions it has received. When these children, children, were killed, people didn’t call for reform. They demanded that no one take their guns.

There is such a racial bias in the media, too. This shooter, who is white, is mentally ill. But any shooter who isn’t white is a terrorist. And now, because he’s a younger man, he’s 19 I believe, it’s a parenting problem.

“Kids wouldn’t shoot up places if their parents raised them better.” How about it just be that this violent person, who is their own person, is just mentally unwell.

Now the government and weird ass people, are saying the kids exposed to this shooting are crisis actors, they it is all staged. PEOPLE FUCKING DIED.

I’m so over it.

-Jane

Cuckold

On By janewrites2020In college, Shakespeare, thoughts, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’m currently sitting in a Shakespeare class, and we are discussing Othello and the word “Cuckold”. What is cuckold? It is a word that is used for a man when his wife cheats on him. There is no female counterpart word; nothing for when a man cheats on a lady.

Why is it that a man is scared to be cuckold? Pride, apparently. Men can’t stand to be cheated on; it bruises their ego. My friend whispered to me when the professor mentioned cuckold, my friend said “masculinity is so frail.” And it truly is. Women are expected to exact their petty revenge, pick themselves up and move on. Men, more times then not, become violent.

I find it interesting, the idea that it’s okay to betray women, but not men.

-Jane

I’m Back!

On By janewrites2020In change, college, coping, diary, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Boy, it’s certainly been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s catch up!

I’ve recently turned 21, back in October; I’ve missed the anniversary of the blog, I’ve lost some friends who I thought were good for me, and I almost lost my father to sepsis after a botched operation.

Jack and I are still together, and I’ve learned that those you hold closest to you won’t be there for you when you need them. I lost friends over the fact that my father was on the brink of death. My dad had a gangrenous gallbladder, and when it was removed, the doctor cut open his bile duct. My dad spent a few weeks in the ICU because of this. The few friends I had decided that I was being petty and dramatic by backing out of a school trip to be with my father; and they haven’t spoken to me since. It hurt at first, but then I realized how nasty and toxic they are, and they aren’t friends I need.

I found solace in the true friends I have, and our friendships have grown even stronger. College is moving by quickly, and it is such a privilege for me to even be able to be attending, so I’m not going to waste my time on people who don’t care about me. I’ve been stewing over it since it happened a few months ago, but what’s the point? Why be friends with them when they will just talk shit?

I’m a lot happier now, and I see that. I think being able to get my feelings out, whether it be on here or in my journal, has made it tremendously easier. Of course, in my journal I write down everything I want to say to their face, but I won’t.

Classes are going well and I hope all my readers are doing well. I plan to write another post after this one, I’ve missed blogging.

-Jane

Real Talk

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So, I was reading a police docket today and I read the report of a man who was arrested for simple assault, harassment, and false imprisonment. This is a case of domestic abuse, I’ve personally met this man and his partner and I’ve seen his controlling, vicious ways. It makes my heart feel heavy and sad when I hear about someone who has become a victim of domestic abuse.

There are multiple forms of domestic abuse, physical, emotional, verbal, financial. If you are with someone and they demand that you consult them before you go out, restrict who you can see, they hit you, they control your money, they call you names, or they guilt trip you; these are some ways an abuser exerts power over their victims.

I know that victims of domestic violence often die, that’s the only way they escape their abuse. I want to give readers resources in case they come upon a situation where they or someone they know and love needs help.

Resources:

http://www.thehotline.org/resources/ (1−800−799−7233)

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline 800.656.HOPE (4673)

http://www.ncadv.org

These websites and their numbers, offer many resources for victims of domestic abuse, and some websites listed include specialized resources for members of the LQBTQ+ community.

Domestic violence is a serious issue that needs to be discussed and dealt with.

There are people that can help, you don’t have to be afraid anymore.

-Jane

The Sun is Setting

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It’s already August! I can’t believe how fast his summer has flown by. I spent a lot of my summer working, I got to see Jack twice, but I can’t see him this month, which is okay because we move back to college soon!

I don’t have much else to say, but I just wanted to wish you all a great remaining summer, and I hope you’re making great memories.

-Jane

Take Me Away, I Need the Sand and the Waves

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Oh goodness, it’s been so long! I am obviously still alive, thankfully! It’s summer, today is the official first day of summer and I have been home from college for about a month. The 23 will mark the first month that I’ve been in the country, because Jack and I and a group of people traveled to Europe! We were in Paris and London, and because it was a course through the university, we had some work to do. Our classes consisted of everyone in the group lecturing on famous art works, while we stood in front of them in the museums. We were in the Louvre, then the Orsay, and then the Tate Britain, the Tate Modern, and the National Gallery. I lectured on both my pieces in Paris, and they were successful.

Jack lectured on two sculptures by Michelangelo, the Bound and Dying Slaves, and then he did a piece by da Vinci, Virgin of the Rocks. He is a man after my own heart. ❤ I did pieces by Ingres and Manet, and they were stunning. It’s safe to say that Jack and I conducted successful lectures, and while I lectured, strangers around the museum joined in. It was wonderful. On our free days, we explored Paris and ate crepes, and it got so crazy in London. A group of girls, Jack and another boy and I all went to this club for dinner and drinks. It was so fun.

There was tons of shopping done in both cities, I treated myself to pandora charms in both cities, one is an Eiffel Tower and the other charm is Big Ben. They are lovely. I must say I enjoyed London a little more, London I felt was cleaner, and Paris was hard to navigate due to the language barrier. We were in London during the Manchester bombing and it was absolutely heart wrenching to hear about. There was also a stabbing outside our hotel. It was an adventure.

So for the rest of my summer, I am working 2 jobs, I’m still at the grocery store, but I am now a security guard as a gas well, I work 12 hour shifts, 7am-7pm. I normally just sit and watch netflix. It’s pretty great.

Jack is still a CNA during the summer, and I try to go visit him once a month during the summer. He’s doing well, and he helped me get my driver’s license. So yes, I’m legal to drive.

This summer is gonna be pretty boring. I’m looking at going to the beach with my sister and Jack. It will be great.

It’s gonna be a great summer.

-Jane

!

On By janewrites2020In feminismLeave a comment

Hello everyone! I’m not dead!

I’ve missed you all so much! I’ve missed writing, and I’ve missed relaxing, but things of course are getting hectic since the school semester is winding down to summer break. I am still in school, still studying English writing, however Friday I will be meeting with my advisor to declare another major of English literature and a minor of women and gender studies.

Jack and I are still happily together, and studying hard to make a wonderful life for ourselves. I don’t have much time to update everyone because it’s late, but I’ll be back soon, I promise!

-Jane

Trigger Warning

On By janewrites2020In anxiety, coping, feminism, nervousLeave a comment

It’s been a while, but I’ve been struggling a lot lately with fake friends and internal feelings. I can’t remember if I’ve ever shared this but since I was a young girl, I was sexually assaulted by two boys. Never in isolated incidents, but at least twice for the first boy, and for a few years with the second one. For some reason, it’s been weighing heavy on my heart.

It’s been reported but I never got the closure, I never got to look them in their faces to tell them how badly they fucked my life up. I never got to tell them that for a long time I forgot they ever touched me, that they never touched my skin and never touched my life, but suddenly I think of what happened, how I couldn’t stop everything they did to me. I could stop them from raping me but I couldn’t stop anything else?

Am I a hypocrite for advocating for empowered women, but I couldn’t even save myself? I think it’s absolutely important to discuss this in light of situations such as the Donald Trump fiasco, because being accused of lying, isn’t gonna stop women. I think society should stop acting as if we made our trama, our assaults, our experiences up and start trying to help us heal. What are you doing to the other women in this world when you step up and tell a woman you don’t believe her, that you think she is a liar?

I’ve tried to hide what happened to me for so long because I was ashamed, I was scared, who would believe me, who would help me? Who could I trust? I can answer that; no one. No one took me seriously, no one believed me until I came to college. My parents and boyfriend are an exception of course, but you can only hear so much of the same thing before it’s ineffective.

I don’t want to be a victim, I don’t want to be a survivor, I never wanted this to happen to me. I didn’t want this to happen to anyone. I feel as if I’m a knot that wasn’t tied off, I’m fraying and I don’t know what to do.

I’m honestly at a stand still.

How You Love

On By janewrites2020In UncategorizedLeave a comment

I think as a growing mentor and activist to the feminist community, I need to touch down on a few of many topics. Today I want to discuss healthy relationships. I read an article that suggested to know your value, standards and worth then you need to enter an unhealthy relationship where someone treats you like “shit.” The author literally and seriously suggested dating an abusive partner so you can appreciate being treated well when you move on.

How can someone honestly suggest to any other human that they should enter a relationship with someone who is toxic and dangerous? The risks involved are mind-blowing. A person in such a relationship could experience mental, physical and emotional abuse.

If you date someone who tells you that you aren’t good enough or that no one wants you, you could start to believe it. You would feel worthless and unworthy. The author suggests that you fall in love with a person such as described,  then get your heart broken. Then you’ll heal and find sone one who treats you well. 

Um.. no. Do NOT put yourself through that abuse. It is possible to lay out standards of what you deserve and you will find someone worthy. I promise. 

Do not degrade yourself. Love yourself.

-Jane