Category: coping

What Now?

On By janewrites2020In change, coping, learningLeave a comment

So I’m trying to blog more regularly now as a way to help myself cope with entering the real world. I have a physical diary obviously, but sometimes it’s cathartic to just put some words and thoughts out into the world, or even just the internet.

Today I am working my office job, and it’s a little slow today. I have been reflecting all morning about my college career and how much my life has changed since graduating. I was telling a friend this morning that I miss college because of all the excitement, you know? I miss the festivities and the freedom college offered, with minimal responsibilities. I didn’t have to worry monthly about paying rent and I didn’t have to worry about getting to work on time and things like that. I have to realize that my time at college has come to an end, it’s over. I accomplished the things I set out to do and I need to cope with that.

The question is, how?

-Jane

I’m Back!

On By janewrites2020In change, college, coping, diary, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Boy, it’s certainly been a while, hasn’t it? Let’s catch up!

I’ve recently turned 21, back in October; I’ve missed the anniversary of the blog, I’ve lost some friends who I thought were good for me, and I almost lost my father to sepsis after a botched operation.

Jack and I are still together, and I’ve learned that those you hold closest to you won’t be there for you when you need them. I lost friends over the fact that my father was on the brink of death. My dad had a gangrenous gallbladder, and when it was removed, the doctor cut open his bile duct. My dad spent a few weeks in the ICU because of this. The few friends I had decided that I was being petty and dramatic by backing out of a school trip to be with my father; and they haven’t spoken to me since. It hurt at first, but then I realized how nasty and toxic they are, and they aren’t friends I need.

I found solace in the true friends I have, and our friendships have grown even stronger. College is moving by quickly, and it is such a privilege for me to even be able to be attending, so I’m not going to waste my time on people who don’t care about me. I’ve been stewing over it since it happened a few months ago, but what’s the point? Why be friends with them when they will just talk shit?

I’m a lot happier now, and I see that. I think being able to get my feelings out, whether it be on here or in my journal, has made it tremendously easier. Of course, in my journal I write down everything I want to say to their face, but I won’t.

Classes are going well and I hope all my readers are doing well. I plan to write another post after this one, I’ve missed blogging.

-Jane

Trigger Warning

On By janewrites2020In anxiety, coping, feminism, nervousLeave a comment

It’s been a while, but I’ve been struggling a lot lately with fake friends and internal feelings. I can’t remember if I’ve ever shared this but since I was a young girl, I was sexually assaulted by two boys. Never in isolated incidents, but at least twice for the first boy, and for a few years with the second one. For some reason, it’s been weighing heavy on my heart.

It’s been reported but I never got the closure, I never got to look them in their faces to tell them how badly they fucked my life up. I never got to tell them that for a long time I forgot they ever touched me, that they never touched my skin and never touched my life, but suddenly I think of what happened, how I couldn’t stop everything they did to me. I could stop them from raping me but I couldn’t stop anything else?

Am I a hypocrite for advocating for empowered women, but I couldn’t even save myself? I think it’s absolutely important to discuss this in light of situations such as the Donald Trump fiasco, because being accused of lying, isn’t gonna stop women. I think society should stop acting as if we made our trama, our assaults, our experiences up and start trying to help us heal. What are you doing to the other women in this world when you step up and tell a woman you don’t believe her, that you think she is a liar?

I’ve tried to hide what happened to me for so long because I was ashamed, I was scared, who would believe me, who would help me? Who could I trust? I can answer that; no one. No one took me seriously, no one believed me until I came to college. My parents and boyfriend are an exception of course, but you can only hear so much of the same thing before it’s ineffective.

I don’t want to be a victim, I don’t want to be a survivor, I never wanted this to happen to me. I didn’t want this to happen to anyone. I feel as if I’m a knot that wasn’t tied off, I’m fraying and I don’t know what to do.

I’m honestly at a stand still.