It’s been a while, but I’ve been struggling a lot lately with fake friends and internal feelings. I can’t remember if I’ve ever shared this but since I was a young girl, I was sexually assaulted by two boys. Never in isolated incidents, but at least twice for the first boy, and for a few years with the second one. For some reason, it’s been weighing heavy on my heart.

It’s been reported but I never got the closure, I never got to look them in their faces to tell them how badly they fucked my life up. I never got to tell them that for a long time I forgot they ever touched me, that they never touched my skin and never touched my life, but suddenly I think of what happened, how I couldn’t stop everything they did to me. I could stop them from raping me but I couldn’t stop anything else?

Am I a hypocrite for advocating for empowered women, but I couldn’t even save myself? I think it’s absolutely important to discuss this in light of situations such as the Donald Trump fiasco, because being accused of lying, isn’t gonna stop women. I think society should stop acting as if we made our trama, our assaults, our experiences up and start trying to help us heal. What are you doing to the other women in this world when you step up and tell a woman you don’t believe her, that you think she is a liar?

I’ve tried to hide what happened to me for so long because I was ashamed, I was scared, who would believe me, who would help me? Who could I trust? I can answer that; no one. No one took me seriously, no one believed me until I came to college. My parents and boyfriend are an exception of course, but you can only hear so much of the same thing before it’s ineffective.

I don’t want to be a victim, I don’t want to be a survivor, I never wanted this to happen to me. I didn’t want this to happen to anyone. I feel as if I’m a knot that wasn’t tied off, I’m fraying and I don’t know what to do.

I’m honestly at a stand still.