So, when I started this blog, like 12 years ago, I was speaking to a man I met on the internet and had been for like 2 years, and yes, I know. I was about 13 when I first started speaking to him, and he was 18. Do you see where I am going with this? So I was a young, impressionable girl looking for attention, and this man seemed a little too eager to give it to me. I know that none of this was an intelligent series of decisions.

So this man fed me all kinds of things: sweet nothings, compliments, and unbridled attention. I gave him my cellphone number because I figured, “Hey, he was a few states away; he won’t ever come here.” As far as I know, he never did, but I stupidly gave him my general address; he knew which town I lived in.

Now, as a 13-year-old, I was awkward, self-conscious, insecure, and typical teenage things. At one point, he wanted to be my boyfriend, and I felt pressured to say yes. I didn’t think I could decline again I was 13. Once I accepted to be his girlfriend, shit changed quick. He would text me at all hours, day and night. I would get up at 5am to finish homework before school, and he would be texting. Sometimes I fell back asleep, I would wake up at like 6am, and he would be calling me all sorts of names, a cunt, a bitch, all these horrific things because I wouldn’t reply. Thankfully, this was before smartphones, I had an LG ENV 3, and I realized at some point that because I slept with my phone on my nightstand, if it vibrated with a text while I was asleep, I would, in my sleep, open the text and roll back over. So, because I opened these texts, the notification is gone. I wasn’t addicted to my phone then; I wouldn’t search for messages, see no alert, and just move on with my day.

It got to the point where I was scared to have my phone on me because he was just sending text after text. I recall that even one of my teachers pulled me aside after class to tell me he could see a noticeable shift in my personality and that something wasn’t right. Now, at this time, I was able to keep my phone on my person as my dad was having some health issues, and shortly after I had to leave school for a week or two because my dad needed open heart surgery in Ohio, so my sister and I traveled with him to be there.

This was a tumultuous time in my life. There were so many life-altering events happening around me, and I didn’t know how to navigate them. Despite my fear, I would lean on this man because I felt I didn’t have anyone else. I recall crying down the phone to him because my dad was having a rough recovery from his open heart surgery.

At some point, he got in touch with someone I considered my best friend at the time, who admittedly was close to his age and “left me.” I was hurt and destroyed, not because I loved him, but because how could my best friend do something so hurtful to me like that?

I think because of this situation, it shaped my view of relationships for a long time. I want to emphasize that this entire situation made me so deeply uncomfortable when I was living it, but I was so lost as to what to do. I couldn’t stand the idea of him “being in love” with me; it made my skin crawl. I hated listening to him talk about what kind of future he “wanted for us.” He wanted me at some point, barefoot and pregnant, in the kitchen, taking care of him after he came home from work. There was never a discussion about what I wanted for my life, a possible career, or higher education. It was all about him “being the man of the house.”

Even just recounting this makes my stomach churn; as an adult, I can see how I endangered my younger self. I think subconsciously, I purposely grew up to rebel against everything this man wanted me to be. I got two bachelor’s degrees, I had a tubal ligation, and I am married to a wonderful man, but he doesn’t expect me to fulfill any of these “wifely” duties that this man wanted me to do.

I have grown and learned, and when I worked briefly as a teacher, I warned my students against speaking to people on the internet. I know it could have been worse, and I am very grateful it didn’t escalate to something I couldn’t handle.

I hope someone can learn from this, teach the younger ones around them to be cautious, even if you are as honest as it comes, you can’t expect everyone you meet to be honest too.

-Jane