Tag: sadness

The Real World

On By janewrites2020In change, jane, learning, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Wow, it’s been so long. My life has been a whirlwind of things. I successfully graduated college with dual English degrees and a Women and Gender Studies minor. Jack and I are still together. We currently live together in a an apartment in my home town. I didn’t want to end up here, but here I am. I wanted to go to a larger area after graduation for more job opportunities for myself, but Jack got a spot in the Masters program in Physician Science here in this area.

I’ve been spending a lot of times thinking about what I want to do with my life. If I want to pursue some higher education, what I would like to pursue, I haven’t really decided. Tonight, I have been struggling with a little bit of sadness because my alma mater starts classes tomorrow and it’s strange to watch everyone attend but me, because I finished what I had set out to do. It has always been hard for me to move on when things in my life end. I had no problem with high school ending, but I had a little bit of a problem transitioning to college, and then when college started, I had problems when it came to long breaks and going home, etc.

I’m still trying to find my footing, but I currently work 2 jobs and am taking it one day at a time.

-Jane

Trigger Warning

On By janewrites2020In anxiety, coping, feminism, nervousLeave a comment

It’s been a while, but I’ve been struggling a lot lately with fake friends and internal feelings. I can’t remember if I’ve ever shared this but since I was a young girl, I was sexually assaulted by two boys. Never in isolated incidents, but at least twice for the first boy, and for a few years with the second one. For some reason, it’s been weighing heavy on my heart.

It’s been reported but I never got the closure, I never got to look them in their faces to tell them how badly they fucked my life up. I never got to tell them that for a long time I forgot they ever touched me, that they never touched my skin and never touched my life, but suddenly I think of what happened, how I couldn’t stop everything they did to me. I could stop them from raping me but I couldn’t stop anything else?

Am I a hypocrite for advocating for empowered women, but I couldn’t even save myself? I think it’s absolutely important to discuss this in light of situations such as the Donald Trump fiasco, because being accused of lying, isn’t gonna stop women. I think society should stop acting as if we made our trama, our assaults, our experiences up and start trying to help us heal. What are you doing to the other women in this world when you step up and tell a woman you don’t believe her, that you think she is a liar?

I’ve tried to hide what happened to me for so long because I was ashamed, I was scared, who would believe me, who would help me? Who could I trust? I can answer that; no one. No one took me seriously, no one believed me until I came to college. My parents and boyfriend are an exception of course, but you can only hear so much of the same thing before it’s ineffective.

I don’t want to be a victim, I don’t want to be a survivor, I never wanted this to happen to me. I didn’t want this to happen to anyone. I feel as if I’m a knot that wasn’t tied off, I’m fraying and I don’t know what to do.

I’m honestly at a stand still.